The Domino Effect: Escaping Chaos and Finding Stability

Hey Friends,

Today, I want to speak from my personal experience of trying to find stability amid constant demands and chaos. As we dig into something I’ve called the domino effect in our household, I want to affirm your feelings of exhaustion and overwhelm. Raising kids is hard. Raising kids with extra needs is even harder. If you or your partner are also neurodivergent, that may add more challenges on top of an already swaying Jenga tower. We are with you in the day-to-day journey of personal growth. We don’t have this 100% figured out by any means. But, I hope to share some thoughts that have helped make sense of really confusing times and to remind you that you are not alone.

Here is a glimpse into the Hinkle house before we had diagnoses for Luke and my husband. I would make preparations and set up my proverbial dominoes to make sure our routines flowed smoothly. Then, my husband would be distracted or overstimulated and knock over my beautiful arrangement of dominoes. I would have food packed, supplies in the car, and all we needed before going to the park was to put on shoes.

No matter how early I tried to arrive somewhere we would face several hurdles just trying to load everyone in the car. Sometimes, we would have a great plan to get me a break. Then, before shoes were on we had all kids crying, one stripping out of their clothes in refusal to leave, and another fixated on going upstairs to gather items in their room.

Our two-year-old is screaming as she uses all her baby might to win the tug of war with her older sister for a toy. And before long, my anxiety was triggered, arguments ensued, and we were all dysregulated. From my friends' stories, I’m confident we aren’t the only family that experiences moments of pure chaos.

To cope with the lack of control and composure in our house, I went into anxious pursuer mode and would try to fix whatever problem presented itself. I’d set the dominoes back up in a different arrangement, sure that my plans would work this time. Inevitably, the dominoes would fall, chaos was on repeat, and I would set them up again in yet another way I was sure would meet our needs and magically solve our issues. After years of this strategy failing repeatedly, I hit a wall. I was resentful and burned out. I was angry and short-tempered. I couldn’t stand the way I felt inside, full of mom-rage, and missing the joy of the early childhood years that only came once.

That’s when a small lightbulb went off. I needed to look at myself and see how I contributed to our family’s dynamic. How was I showing up for the people I love most? When I was ashamed of the answer, I decided to dig deeper into my own personal growth.

I recommend you try looking in the mirror and reflecting on what you bring to the table in your family. This is scary, it’s bold, and it’s life-changing. When you learn more about yourself, become equipped with the missing skills needed to grow, and apply those healthy skills in your family life, it's a game changer.

Try asking yourself, “Why is this triggering me?” Once you find the root cause of your frustrations, work through the reasons behind your triggers.

Personally, I tend to function with a sense of hyper-responsibility that increases stress and anxiety. I take on responsibilities that are not mine, try to fix every problem, and eventually burn out. I’m working on seeing opportunities to stay in my lane and let others take responsibility for their choices and the resulting consequences. But it’s hard because you want to help the people you love. Just as you think I need to help them, ask yourself “What skill would I be preventing them from learning that will help them in the long run?” This question has helped me pull back my impulse to take responsibility and fix the problem because I realize that in some situations, the most loving thing I can do is let that person learn it for themselves. They will be stronger for it. They will be more resilient and more confident in their own abilities. It’s a delicate balance of discerning when our help as parents is really needed. We won’t get it right all the time but we can always go back and repair mistakes and learn from the misses.

When we let others take the proper responsibility for their actions, we actually begin to unburden ourselves too. In fact, we have to unburden ourselves because most of the time, no one else will. We can carry the stress of our children, partners, family, friends, and work demands to the point of breaking under the weight. But, when we start removing one dumbbell at a time, our world starts to feel a little lighter. We don’t have to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders.

There is freedom in zooming out and asking ourselves “Is this my burden to carry?” “Is that my job to fix?” “How can I support them without taking on their responsibilities?” I’ve found that my kids learn the most when I step back and allow them to experience the effects of the choices. Of course, I step in if it’s a safety issue, but if my son is having a meltdown and misses a playdate at the park, I affirm that it is sad we missed hanging out with our friends and next time we need to work on leaving on time. I’ll explain that the meltdown took up the time we would have used to get ready and drive to the park. Once my son is calm and some time has passed, I would ask him what made him so upset. It’s helpful to always ask what is behind a behavior, even if we think we know because the answer will often surprise us.

For instance, one morning before school Luke started doing things that he knew would be a problem. He started dragging his desk across the floor into another room, and refused to do his usual routine of using the bathroom and putting on shoes. Finally, it clicked, he’s avoiding something. Luke was avoiding getting in the car for school because it was field day. Even though there were fun things ahead, change is hard for Luke, and he doesn’t like not knowing his exact schedule. The unknown and uncertainty become overwhelming when he has to face a transition he hasn’t experienced before.

I had pre-gamed him an hour before at breakfast and explained as much information about field day as I knew. I also told him who to go to for confirmation of the schedule. I felt like I had gotten ahead of any potential meltdowns and an hour later it still happened. I’ll pause here and say, I see you, my friend. Raising differently-wired kids is hard. We love them deeply and it's okay that it's hard. We can hold space for those two truths to exist at once.

Often, I stop in the middle of a meltdown and just remind myself that this is intense and it will pass. The moment will pass and the feelings will pass. It doesn’t fix anything immediately but it gives me that little bit of bandwidth to survive that moment and love my child at the same time. Practicing self-compassion when things go sideways helps me also manage the mom guilt that loves to show up. Try to talk to yourself like a friend and encourage the good things happening. You can make a plan later on how to improve and respond differently. But when you’re feeling underwater like you can’t breathe from the stress, be a friend to yourself and show up with kindness.

For those of you who are like me and love a bulleted list of takeaway points to implement here are a few suggestions to help you find more stability in your life:

• Find a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist or a therapist trained to help with your particular needs. This can be a safe space when we need to fall apart.

• Intentionally look for new healthy friendships. Make friends within the special needs community your family identifies with, they will know what you’re going through. Also, make friends outside of this community to get breaks from time to time.

• Go back to some of the things you did before that brought you joy or rest. This one is fun! What did you like to do before kids that was fun and recharging? I would love laying at the pool with a book, and getting my tan on. Maybe you would like to have a quiet breakfast and be able to eat it while it’s still warm. One thing that has been really healing for me is getting back into church, reading devotionals, and meeting new people. I was afraid to go back to church after covid because I was anxious about how my differently wired children would be treated. I searched and was able to find a local church with a program for children with special needs that has multiple areas to view the service from rather than just the traditional sanctuary that requires quiet. Quiet is something the Hinkles don’t do well! If your faith was important to you and fear is a barrier to getting back to it, I encourage you to consider working through that fear and when you’re ready try again.

• Find ways to recharge away from your people and responsibilities. Do something you love alone. Do you like running? Seeing a movie? Grabbing Starbucks and taking a drive? Doing something enjoyable on our own can refill our empty tanks from all of the caregiving. Besides, we actually have to refill our tanks to be able to function and take care of our people.

• Define those core values. Get clarity on what’s important to you. You will be able to make decisions that help you live in alignment with your authentic self. I’ve found that this helps fight off the depression and anxiety I experience when the dominoes are falling. Core values help you make decisions that align with your goals and put you in a relationship with people with similar values.

• Avoid conflicts and quarrels. In the bible, Phil 2:14-16 discourages us from getting into fights with others so we will be blameless. Be cognizant of not engaging in fights with your partner or anyone else. It protects you from feeling the weight of blame and the stress it brings. Chaos is a ripe time for conflict and arguments. Stand strong here and when you feel those heightened emotions try to self-regulate and address the issue later. This is hard for me. When my emotions are turned up, it’s go time! Every time that I give into the impulse to let the emotions win, and I engage in a fight, I regret it. I feel guilt, shame, and fear that I’ve damaged a relationship with someone I love.

  Being self-controlled and dwelling on positive things will help settle your mind. Scientifically, it takes 20 minutes to calm down once you’re emotionally escalated. Try to take a walk, read a book, do anything else until those emotions are turned down. Then, you can return and have a healthier conversation. By choosing to de-escalate the situation, you prevented getting hit by the second wave of chaos. There is this cycle of chaos we can easily get trapped in when dealing with complicated family dynamics and conflicting needs.

  Chaos begins, emotions escalate, people become dysregulated, fights ensue, and this leads full circle to another round of chaos. I don’t know about you but the first round of chaos is enough. We don’t need to go through an exhausting emotional battle just to get hit with another wave of chaos.

  All of this being said, we have to show up as stable parents for our kids who can flip chaos into stability. We can’t control all of our circumstances or the events we experience. But we can control how we respond, how we show up ourselves for our kids, and where we choose to focus our energy. For me, I was tired of focusing on my fears and anxieties.

  I wanted to be a present mom who enjoyed my kids for the tiny people they are despite the chaos around us. Life can hit us in the face. But what choice do we have? We can let things overcome us or we can overcome them. I choose resilience. There are times where I have been and will be knocked down. And, I know that I will do the work to get back up and thrive. Giving up is not an option. Our kids need us. They need to be equipped with the skills needed to adapt and adjust to this world. If we don’t have those needs ourselves, then we need to learn them. We can prepare ourselves to be a safe anchor for our kids by handling our own struggles and propensity to engage in chaos.

My hope today is that we can all zoom out from the sight of the table with all the fallen dominoes and see what's happening around us in the room. Notice the moving pieces that are knocking down our dominoes or stealing our patience. Gain context to help process why the dominoes fell and have the freedom to put the dominoes back in the box because most of them aren’t yours to set up anyway.

Until next time,

Ash