One Strategy for Parents to Recharge and Learn at the Same Time!
I’m not sure about you but I get into seasons where I just feel 100% burned out. Our family, and I’m sure many of you can relate, is juggling intensive educational services, play therapy visits, social calendars, and that doesn’t include school, work, and the adults therapy schedules. Sometimes, I wish life would slow down. Maybe then it would be easier to be present and reorient my perspective to what truly matters. But, I’m learning that carving small amounts of personal time to relax, learn, and focus on personal growth can be possible even in chaotic seasons. I’ve had to get creative with our plans and ask for help. Both are things that I’m currently working on!
I took a big step this week in letting go of my usual responsibilities for 48 hours and attending the Apraxia Kids National Conference in Pittsburg. It was my first time staying in a hotel alone and I was feeling lonely and scared without my tribe. Even though my kids were driving me a little bit crazy, I started missing them before I backed out of the driveway. Several times, I wanted to turn the car around and go back home. But, I knew deep down I needed this. I needed it for me to face uncertainty and fear. My kids needed it to learn that they are safe with other people and that Mom will always come back. The separation anxiety was real though. I called my husband and told him “I can’t sleep, I feel like a homesick kid at summer camp!” I did eventually sleep. Although the distance was difficult, traveling on my own to speak at Apraxia Kids helped build my confidence in remembering that “I can do hard things!” It also showed me that there is one strategy that allows parents to recharge and learn at the same time and that is attending a conference based on your child’s neurodivergence. A professional conference in your field may check a similar box but there is something about connecting with other parents, educators, and service providers related to a loved ones wiring that is really refreshing.
You are connecting with people facing similar struggles and successes. These people may be farther along in the journey than you are. So, they may share information with you that helps you feel more equipped to handle the unique circumstances you’re facing. The added bonus is that you realize you aren’t alone. Your family isn’t the only one experiencing a version of raising differently-wired children or having a differently-wired partner.
At the Apraxia Kids conference, I felt recharged and I learned new strategies to use with my family after talking to a husband and wife team presenting on Scream Free Therapy for kids with Childhood Apraxia of Speech. As you all know, my son has CAS and 6 months ago, we received a diagnosis of Autism and ADHD. Around the same time, my husband received the same diagnosis. I have wanted to connect with another couple in a similar situation but have not found anyone living in similar circumstances. Meeting another wife that is raising children with extra needs and has learned how to communicate better with her husband with ASD, was like a breath of fresh air. Finally, someone who understands! Hearing her husbands input on navigating family life was also really insightful and helpful when I reflected on how I communicate with my husband. Just her saying, “When any emotions rise, wait 24 hours before talking about it, it will help decrease the defensiveness,” resonated so deeply. There is a lot of defensiveness in my house and it can be overwhelming. I’ve been waiting before talking about things but definitely not 24 hours. That tip was specific and from someone who knows what works. They even transparently shared how ASD can be difficult on marriages. Being able to speak freely with others that can offer support was like a lifeline. They shared their contact information and told me to contact them and pass their information on to my husband too. I felt so hopeful about my family’s situation after connecting with that couple.
I’m realizing that people at neurodivergent-affirming conferences are eager to learn and help others. They are passionate about their child and how they are uniquely wired. There is an instant commaderie once kid stories start being shared. You notice that there is a community of people around these challenges that you can become a part of.
One conversation leads to another and parents, advocates, speech therapists, teachers are all collaborating. Strategies for developing strong IEPs are shared, how to advocate to insurance companies, when to stop over servicing your child, and how to support your child socially are just a few of the conversations that happen around conference tables.
It’s a reminder that the world is bigger than we think. Tunnel vision is easy in our small corner of life and traveling to a conference helps to regain perspective. Another interesting reminder is that there are always more resources than we know. Going to a conference and just listening to sessions and impromptu conversations around the tables will leave you full of information. Once a few people in a parent’s advocacy session found out that I was a professional advocate, a small line formed. I was able to talk with them about their child’s unique situation at school, how the school was handling it, and how they could respond. We were having informal assessment and IEP conversations over lunch. It felt good to help someone else and see that it truly was meaningful to them. I was able to trade contact information with another advocate that happens to live in the same metro area. One fun thing about conferences is that people are usually looking to connect and network. They also want to meet people who are like them or who could help them in some way.
After reflecting on how refreshing connecting with others about similar passions was, I realized we could also get more involved with local organizations that build community for individuals and families experiencing neurodivergence. Some churches now have special education ministries with events like respite nights for parents, small community groups, monthly dinners, and other social opportunities. We all need a supportive community around us, especially when we are leading families with extra needs.
If there aren’t any support groups or opportunities for neurodivergent learners in your area, try looking for online communities. This journey can be isolating at times and it can be completely different with more teammates by your side.
My family and I tried this path alone for way too long. Covid hit when Luke was 20 months and we had a newborn. We were physically cut off from our social network for years until we could get them vaccinated. Time passed and we started to resume a semblance of normal life.
But, about a year after that, we realized that we hadn’t had any help with our kids, except for the occasional visit from Grammy, in almost 5 years. We also threw another sweet baby into the mix. We had gone it alone and the stress took a toll on our mental health and our marriage. I can zoom out now and see how I would have done so much differently in hindsight. These experiences grew us whether we wanted it to happen that way or not.
Problems just seemed to be piling up, surrounding me at every turn. Once I decided to grow instead of having to know why in the midst of this difficult season, I was able to start recharging and actually retaining new learning. I had to make mental space to recharge and learn. My mind was too crowded to take on anything else for over a year. But the shift happened when I chose to grow in this dark place rather than spend any more time wondering why it was happening.
Once I made space for growth, I researched Autism and ADHD and started noticing how it impacted my family uniquely. I also submitted an application to speak at the Apraxia Kids conference and was accepted. So, this conference I just returned from, I was actually a speaker at! These are things I couldn’t have imagined doing two years ago. But, everyone around me was challenging me to grow. Public speaking was been my worst fear from as early as I can remember. And, in this season of growth, I realized that some things, like advocating for our kids, are too important not to talk about. Even though trying new things can scare us to death, when we look back it reminds us that we can do hard things!
I don’t know the details of your situation. I can’t imagine how difficult, exhausting, and overwhelming your journey is. But, I know that you love your kid. I know because you’re listening to this podcast, trying to figure out how to advocate for their needs.
As we wrap up, I hope you’re able to reflect and think about ways to take breaks with the goal of recharging. Then, I hope you have resources that are helpful for your own style of learning whether it be podcasts, books, courses, or conferences. When we are knowledgeable and equipped we are more resilient. As we become more resilient, we are better leaders for our families. Being committed to personal growth will improve our quality of life and will ultimately be a huge benefit for our kids.
I also encourage you to find a supportive community to walk with you through this challenging and beautiful season of parenthood.
Until next time,
Ash
