One of the most Helpful and Humbling Acts as a Parent

So, today I would like to share something I’ve learned the hard way many times over many years. This one action is something I subconsciously fight against. I’m known to rely on myself, take on too much responsibility, and feel like I have to solve all the problems. Inevitably, it leads to anger, burnout, and resentment. The feelings of overwhelm and hopelessness rush over me like a 20-foot wave. Then, I feel guilty and worry that I’m not showing up like the parent I desperately want to be.

That’s many feelings and a lot of weight to carry. I have a feeling that I’m not the only parent who feels this way. Then, when you add parenting children that are differently wired, the requirements of you instantly double. You’re juggling educational services, communications with the school, coordinating with private providers, and intentionally planning social or extracurricular activities that match their skill sets, all while loving them deeply and balancing the effects on the siblings. It’s a juggling act. Making sure to show up lovingly and fairly to all of our children is no easy task.

All of that said, we haven’t mentioned the other domains of our lives. The mental load on parents is high as they balance children, careers, extended family, friends, and other commitments. Where is the time to take care of ourselves? Time for self-recovery or re-charge was nowhere near my radar and the results began to speak for themselves.

I started looking in the mirror and wondering “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I handle everything? Am I a bad mom? Can I do this?” While the internal beatdown wasn’t healthy, it helped me to start looking inward. I realized the way I was operating wasn’t working. A different approach was desperately needed.

So, here is the most helpful and humbling thing I keep coming back to in different seasons of life: challenges reveal the areas that I need to grow in myself.

It’s humbling because we have to look at ourselves as a contributor to our struggle. And, it’s helpful because when we acknowledge what we bring to the table, then we can address the underlying issues, find creative solutions, and realize that we do have a sense of control. We can improve our situation. We can grow and become the parents we want to be for our kids. We can start to take the weights off the barbell one by one.

Getting one-on-one therapy is something that I’ve found extremely helpful. Talking through complex, deeply emotional topics can be a huge relief when it’s with a third party where there are no relational consequences. We can walk through recurrent emotional triggers and break them apart to understand why I’m ready to pop off over my daughter refusing to put on her shoes and leave the house. At times, it feels incredibly disrespectful to protest something so simple when I’ve tried so hard to give her a different life than I had growing up. I imagine being late to pick up my son at school which ripples into being late to another speech session. There’s a loss of control and a cascade of stress that I anticipate. But, what I’ve learned is that it is up to me to manage my emotions. I have the power to choose to respond rather than react.

I’ve gone beyond my emotional limit too many times to count. And, finally, I realized that my personal area of growth is managing my relationship anxiety. Anxiety is stealthy and can slip through even the smallest nooks and crannies. It shows up in ways that aren’t always obvious. Before we know it, anxiety is the back seat driver behind our most important decisions, small daily choices, and our emotional reactions.

Recently, I was given a tool to consider in managing my parenting anxieties. It was to just do nothing. Doing nothing seems counterintuitive. I mean, how do problems get solved if we do nothing? But, sometimes a problem doesn’t have a clear or immediate fix. Sometimes the problem is actually how we feel and the distress we experience. I’m learning to embrace the feelings of discomfort. That is not an easy task. Then, take an action that allows me to care for myself. Most times, helping ourselves regulate and recover is the solution to our problems. It interrupts the cycle of stress and overwhelming thoughts. We give ourselves just a little more mental bandwidth to handle the next difficult thing. I’ll keep you posted on how I do with this strategy!

We can’t minimize the effects stress and anxiety have on us. Parenting is like a marathon and parenting kids who are neurodivergent is like running a tough mudder. There are obstacles everywhere and they vary in difficulty throughout. Just when I think I’ve cleared the most difficult by moving a 500-pound boulder out of the way, I fall face-first into a pit of mud. Suddenly, challenges appear that I didn’t foresee and adaptions have to be made just as quickly.

I’m sure many of you can relate. While I want to affirm the challenging experiences we have all had, there is hope in the struggle. It becomes the perfect time to humble ourselves, look inward at what the challenges reveal about ourselves, and get support to truly change our circumstances.

After all, the tough mudder gets easier with more teammates by your side. Look for relationships that reciprocate your love and support. Reach out to family and friends for encouragement. After COVID, my family realized we had little to no support system. So, I intentionally looked for other moms with neurodivergent kids at my son’s therapy center to connect with. Taking steps to care for ourselves and lighten our load is an empowering task in itself. Surrounding ourselves with like-minded people who can relate to our lives through similar experiences can be a relief.

I met a new friend at my daughter's music class. Over the last couple of weeks, we decided to get together at the playground and we started talking, dropped the water line, and started to connect over our life experiences and the challenges of raising kids.

And as we both realized, Hey, you know, I'm in therapy. Yeah, I'm in therapy too, every Thursday. And we're high-fiving on the playground about some of the interventions we need for ourselves.

My goal in sharing these ideas is that you will feel empowered to self-reflect and be more introspective. Let’s all humble ourselves by finding out more about our internal challenges and reflecting on how our behaviors impact ourselves and others. The answers may help change our perspective and how we parent our kids. There’s also a little bit of freedom in doing nothing from time to time.

Remember this season in life is hard and you are resourced and resilient.

Until next time,

Ash