How to Discipline a Child with Autism and other Types of Neurodivergence
Hey Friend,
My family and I have been running into the issue of how we discipline our son who has Autism and ADHD. The typical methods of consequences didn’t seem effective and I didn’t want to do anything to make Luke second guess our emotional bond.
So, I looked into the word discipline. It means to train someone to follow the rules. Training someone is similar to mentoring them and walking alongside them in their experiences. What if we saw our kids’ misbehavior as an opportunity to train or coach them in how to better understand themselves and make different choices? Remember, behavior is information. What is our kids’ behavior telling us?
My son has been fixated on the risers in music class and climbs on them each week. The teacher has contacted me frustrated a few times. Finally, I asked Luke, “Why do you like the risers so much?” He responded simply, “TT.” The color of the risers was black which is the same color as a raccoon’s mask. My son loves raccoons! Lately, he has been really observant of things that are colored similarly to his favorite stuffed raccoon “TT.” It was an answer that I wouldn’t have considered. Our kids will regularly surprise us with creative answers if we start asking “Why” more than we tell them to “just stop it!” I’m working on being quick to listen, slower to speak, and slower to become angry. It’s a super challenging task when emotions run high. But, whenever I’ve been able to do it, I’ve been amazed at what I learn and how we can address a problem creatively. Outside-the-box solutions start to reveal themselves when we get curious about what our kids are thinking and we truly listen.
So, that was actually our first tip on how to discipline a child with autism, get curious and listen.
Our second tip to consider is how we can provide natural consequences when possible.
Natural consequences are helpful as long as it's in a safe context because your child can make a choice and experience the results of their own actions. Making mistakes in a safe environment at a young age can be one of the best ways to equip our children with the ability to make wise decisions in the future. Kids need to make mistakes before the stakes are higher with more severe consequences. They will learn the power of cause and effect and may think more critically in the future.
Our third tip is to focus more on self-regulation strategies with our differently-wired children. This has been helpful for us as parents too. It’s easy to get caught up in the emotion of navigating discipline with our kids, so a choice menu with different self-regulation options has helped me too! We actually have a choice menu framed in our kitchen that the kids can walk by and select an activity if they are really angry or sad. My kids are all age 5 and under so the choices are simple but still helpful for anyone. A few of our favorite self-regulation choices are listening to music, watching a short video, taking a walk, and making a craft. I admit that there have been many days where I’ve been completely overwhelmed and frustrated and the last thing I could think of was to use a self-regulation strategy. But, having a physical picture menu of strategies in our kitchen, in a place that is highly visible, and gets a lot of foot traffic has been a game changer. In all the feelings, I can forget it's there but then it catches my eye as I walk by. I’m able to get that visual prompt and change my approach with my kids. Visual reminders around the house have always been helpful for me. Putting interventions or supports in place before we need them is a great survival tool for when things get hard. You’ll have a life raft right when you need it most. Use moments of calm to prepare for the chaos!
A few days ago, all three of my kids were in a fight over snacks in the pantry. There was tug of war and all were screaming at the top of their lungs. I’m seeing arms flailing and hearing complaints coming from each one at the same time. They aren’t hearing my responses over the screaming. As I’m getting angry and an inch away from losing it, I turn to leave the kitchen and there is that self-regulation menu again. So I took a deep breath and said let’s put on some music. I put on a song I knew they’d love, “Good day” by Forrest Frank. Within seconds of the song playing, two of my kids were squealing with excitement and we were all dancing. I hadn’t seen a switch flip that quickly in the good direction before! Sure, most of the time that we do a strategy, its a slow de-escalation process, and not a lot of fun. But, when you find strategies that work and your kids love, it can be a great experience co-regulating with your kids. I felt a little lighter after that song finished too.
Self-regulation is a powerful way to recover emotionally and be prepared to deal with the results of our actions. Then, we can consider how to thoughtfully respond to our children in a way that is loving, supportive, and equips them for the future. For kids with Autism, avoid physical punishment, and pick and choose your battles not everything needs to be addressed, and consider if this is something that is an accident, a mistake, or on purpose.
Our fourth tip is to try taking a teaching approach to discipline. Ask yourself, “Does my child have a missing skill that would be helpful in this situation? How can I teach them to respond differently when this happens?” Explain how something works or should be done. See how your child responds. They may try to correct the behavior themselves right then. But, the important thing is to teach along the way. When you’re in natural contexts and your child is regulated show them how to behave and explain why it is important. My daughter always wants to know “why” I’m doing something. She questions my every move. It can be difficult to be analyzed most of the time. But, I notice she is truly processing my responses and it helps her understand the purpose of our actions. When she knows the purpose, she is much more likely to conduct herself differently the next time we are in that situation. I also see her replicating different social situations with her Barbies when she doesn’t think I’m watching. When we are intentional parents that try to break concepts apart into smaller pieces that our kids can understand it can help the world feel more predictable and not so unknown.
When my two neurodivergent kids don’t know what to expect, we have more anxiety and meltdowns. Our fifth and very proactive behavior strategy I use whenever our family goes somewhere is “front-loading”.
Before we step out of the car, I tell them “Ok this is what we need to know. We are going inside the grocery store, picking up some fruit for the party, and going to the self-checkout. I’m not planning on getting anything else today. So #1 go inside the store, #2 pick out the fruit, #3 go to self-checkout.” I directly tell my kids the plan and then summarize it by saying it in a 3-step list. My son remembers things really well if they’re numbered.
“Front-loading” is essentially preparing our children for what is about to happen. That way, they feel secure in the plan and we take away as much uncertainty as we can. I’ve learned that in raising young kids, advanced preparation can save the day for all of our sanity. Lots of uncertainty is also the enemy.
Our sixth tip requires us to understand that sometimes we need to change the environment not change the child. We must make the environment conducive to our children's learning and ability to operate successfully. If our child seeks light as sensory stimulation, we can get more colored lighting and use it in different contexts. Maybe they use a lightboard to do their homework or explore translucent shapes. But, if they are averse to loud sounds and a construction worker is using a jackhammer next door, then it is best to physically move into a quieter space. Don’t force them into environments that will trigger meltdowns. If our children are melting down, then they are in distress and need help. They don’t need a lecture or correction. We need to meet their emotional response first and teach later.
Knowing your child’s disability intimately allows you to make supportive decisions quickly without having to spend precious time trying to figure out the next steps. Knowing how your child is wired down to the specific details is a bonus tip that will help you in ways you don’t expect until you're in the heat of the moment.
All right, tip number seven. Have routines in place. I’m talking about routines for everything my friend. From the expected wake-up routines to the bedtime routines, and what to do if your clothes get soaked on a play date routine. Have the household daily routines in place in a way that fits your family. Do what works for you! Maybe your kids get changed for bed in the living room like mine do. Why that is more peaceful, I don’t know. Somehow, it prevents the mad race up the stairs and the chaos that happens when avoiding bedtime. We don’t have to do things the way they’ve always been done. We also don’t need to feel shame for doing it differently. Our lives may look different than we expected and we can still have fun and thrive. We can hold space for both of those ideas to be true. A newer routine that we have started is having a change of clothes for each child packed in a blue backpack that stays in the trunk of the car. It worked so well last weekend. My kids enjoyed some water play at grandma's house and I didn’t know that was on the docket for our visit. But, when Luke got wet he didn’t become distressed. Instead, he asked me to get clothes from the blue backpack. He remembered we have a routine of keeping a change of clothes in that exact bag in a specific place. Instead of panicking, he had the comfort of knowing he had an option to change, he had a plan in place. It’s so helpful to reflect and ask ourselves, “What small routines can I put in place to make things easier and build predictability into our lives?”
Moving on to tip eight, use positive reinforcement. Research shows that using positive reinforcement with any person is more likely to motivate them and lead to success. Negative reinforcement can feel defeating and lead kids to develop a negative sense of self which we want to prevent at all costs. Positive reinforcement focuses on what your child is doing well and rewarding them. The reward doesn’t have to be a piece of candy or a store-bought item. It can be words of affirmation and praise. Encouraging your child and praising them for a job well done. It could also be a behavior chart where they collect stickers for following expectations. I made Luke a raccoon chart, (I love incorporating his special interest into random things) and each morning that he is a first-time listener he can dab a dot on his chart.
When he fills all the spaces, he will get to go to Target and pick out a truck. This helps Luke focus on getting ready for school and completing his routine without getting stuck in a loop or refusing to get dressed. He also gets really excited when we give him verbal praise about how well he is getting ready for his day. Positive reinforcement has a hidden benefit, it helps us connect with our kids in a meaningful way. We are emotionally bonding when we give praise, support their transitions, and celebrate the wins with them when they are doing well with their goals. Our kids are feeling loved as we journey with them in pursuing their growth and development.
You won’t be surprised that this last tip, number nine has to deal with us as parents. It’s similar to knowing our child’s wiring in detail. This tip is understanding common autistic behaviors and if your child has another form of neurodivergence, knowing the common behaviors for their diagnosis is helpful here too. When you understand that your child’s arm flapping is a common self-stimulating behavior that allows them to self-regulate, you won’t be focused on getting them to stop because they are going to hit someone. You will say let’s move over here where you have more personal space. You begin to find ways to affirm their needs and behaviors rather than correct them. I realized my daughter would rarely make eye contact with the camera when trying to take her picture. Looking straight into a camera makes her really uncomfortable but she likes pictures and enjoys looking at them afterwards. So, once I realized that this was a common challenge for people with autism, I stopped begging her to “Look at Mama” every time I wanted a photo. Now, I may say “Look this way, kids,” in a group photo but then I snap it and don’t insist that anyone looks directly at me. Candid shots have become a favorite for my daughter and me because they are low-pressure and we can enjoy talking about them later. Understanding that some behaviors are a manifestation of our child’s disability allows us to move into a space of acceptance and find different ways to make sure our kids feel a sense of belonging.
As we wrap up for today, I want to encourage you on your journey of becoming a neuro-divergent affirming parent. There’s so much to learn and a ton of re-wiring ourselves that needs to be done. Turning over every stone to help your child is no small task. You are brave and your child is blessed to have you in their corner. Remember to love your child as they are and show yourself some compassion too. I’ll link to a helpful article from verywell family that shares some of the mentioned discipline strategies in the show notes. Take care, friend.
https://www.verywellfamily.com/discipline-strategies-for-children-with-autism-4005045
Until next time,
Ash
